*A sitcom spoof about a discussion between more than room mates and less than friends.*
INT. SITCOM SET – LIVE – (1)
BLACK SCREEN
Applause and cheering can be heard from an in studio audience watching a live episode of a sitcom. A wide, establishing shot of an apartment kitchen set slowly zooms into place over the heads of the audience. Perspective switch to Camera 2 facing the kitchen bar where ROOM MATE 1 (20s), fancies themselves a internet personality with 100 followers on Twitter and is dressed in loose-fitting streetwear, and ROOM MATE 2 (20s), a devout Christian who is agreeable yet immune to peer-pressure is dressed in a button-up white top, are sitting at the bar countertop as they eat their cereal in silence. ROOM MATE 2 has a Bible next to their bowl of cereal.
They continue chewing in silence, shifting in ways that would suggest that something is about to happen in the show or that they’re about to speak but only continue to chew loudly. They hold up this joke until it gets two or three medium laughs from the audience. ROOM MATE 1 slightly chokes down a bite of cereal with some difficulty.
ROOM MATE 2:
“You alright?”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Yeah yeah just gimme a bit. I’ve got a hot take.”
ROOM MATE 2:
“What?”
ROOM MATE 1 clears their throat aggressively.
ROOM MATE 1:
“Sorry. I said that I’ve got a hot take.”
ROOM MATE 2 loses their intrigue and goes back to their cereal.
ROOM MATE 2:
“Oh. Right on schedule.”
ROOM MATE 1 continues in a way that would suggest that they like to hear themselves talk.
ROOM MATE 1:
“We never ask about people’s poo wiping habits.”
ROOM MATE 2 holds to consider this until they get a big laugh from the audience.
ROOM MATE 2:
“I don’t think that counts as a hot take, ROOM MATE 1.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“No no that’s just the set up. Here it is: Shouldn’t we?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“Shouldn’t we what?”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Ask about people’s poo wiping habits?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“No.”
ROOM MATE 1 shifts position to face ROOM MATE 2 directly as they lean one elbow on the bar countertop.
ROOM MATE 1:
“Consider anal.”
ROOM MATE 2 answers politely.
ROOM MATE 2:
“No, thank you.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Oh, come on. God’s not gonna smite you for considering anal. What is he, the thought police?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“Yes.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“But people DO anal, yes?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“I suppose people do anal.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Brilliant. But consider the ramifications.”
ROOM MATE 2:
“I have.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“So, you’ve considered the ramifications of anal but not anal itself?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“I am religious, yes.”
ROOM MATE 1 and ROOM MATE 2 hold for a big laugh from the audience.
ROOM MATE 1:
“Let me tell you a scenario.”
ROOM MATE 2:
“You’re allowed.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“You’re on a date. It’s going well. There are explicit, consensual plans to boink later.”
ROOM MATE 2 slowly shifts both elbows on the bar countertop and brings their pointer fingers to a point and rests their chin on their aligned thumbs.
ROOM MATE 2:
“Naturally.”
ROOM MATE 1 pauses to look at ROOM MATE 2’s posture.
ROOM MATE 1:
“Nice try Jesus stan. You wouldn’t know. Anyway, boinking. You think to yourself: Oh, I can’t wait to boink this bloke up the ass.”
ROOM MATE 2 continues to feign deep understanding of non-committal dating with genuine interest.
ROOM MATE 2:
“Uhuh, uhuh.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“But what of the ramifications? What are their poo wiping habits?”
ROOM MATE 2 puts their hand on ROOM MATE 1’s shoulder to provide emotional support.
ROOM MATE 2:
“I’m. With. You.”
ROOM MATE 1 shakes ROOM MATE 2’s hand off with their shoulder.
ROOM MATE 1:
“You couldn’t handle me if you were. Anyway, my hot take is: Why can’t we ask about people’s poo wiping habits?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“Now, this might be a stupid question, but does it really vary that much?”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Oh, you’d be surprised. Well, how about this. Describe to me yours. Your poo wiping habits. Give me the rundown.”
ROOM MATE 2:
“Why? We’re not boinking.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Fine. I’ll go.”
ROOM MATE 1 stands up to act out what they do on the toilet.
ROOM MATE 1:
“To start, I take a proper squat, do the business as it where, and I crumple up a handful of toilet paper, a nice fistful, uh stand up a bit-“
ROOM MATE 2 makes a ‘stinky’ face as ROOM MATE 1 mentions a handful of toilet paper and interrupts as they hold up a finger.
ROOM MATE 2:
“Oh, uh, hold on.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Problem?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“Uhuh.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Already?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“You don’t fold your toilet paper into neat squares?”
*Room Mate 1 just stares at them inquisitively.*
ROOM MATE 2:
“For surface area sake?”
ROOM MATE 1:
“For surface area sake? Why would that matter?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“It’s already punched out that way.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“You don’t consider anal but you’ll consider the surface area of the toilet paper you use to clean your ass?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“Alright, alright. This isn’t me sharing time. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. Please, continue.”
Room Mate 1 mutters.
ROOM MATE 1:
“Did too.”
Room Mate 1 readjusts and rushes through the parts they have already said to remind themselves of what step they were at when interrupted.
ROOM MATE 1:
“Kay, where was I? Take a proper squat, do the business, handful of toilet paper, stand up a bit, ah yes. Yes. I stand up a bit and lean forward cuz I don’t like putting my hand in the toilet bowl-“
ROOM MATE 2:
“Why?”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Huh?”
ROOM MATE 2:
“Why don’t you like putting your hand in the toilet?”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Ugh come on. Are we gonna get into every little thing here?”
ROOM MATE 2 looks around confused and whispers loudly to ROOM MATE 1.
ROOM MATE 2:
“Is that not what you wanted out of this?”
ROOM MATE 1 is agitated but trying their best to get to the point.
ROOM MATE 1:
“Just-just-just let me get to the end of it. Mkay? Alright, squat proper, business, TP in the hand, stand and lean, THEN I take a wipe and check the paper for poo. I keep wiping with new TP, and once it comes out clean, I know I’m done.”
There’s a long pause as ROOM MATE 2 sits there uncertain and ROOM MATE 1 is waiting expectantly which ends once they get a medium laugh from the audience.
ROOM MATE 2:
“Is that the end?”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Well, yes. I reckon it would be.”
ROOM MATE 2 smiles encouragingly and continues the discussion genuinely though takes it off course of what the intention of this discussion was originally about.
ROOM MATE 2:
“Good for you ROOM MATE 1. You can wipe your ass. I applaud your skill.”
ROOM MATE 1:
“No, that’s not the point of this. I’m not looking for encouragement.”
ROOM MATE 2 stops to think then slaps their forehead with the palm of their hand like they realized their mistake.
ROOM MATE 2:
“Oh, yes. HA! Silly me.
ROOM MATE 1:
“Yes! I’m glad we can get back on topic.”
ROOM MATE 2:
“You were wanting poo wiping tips then?”
ROOM MATE 1:
“Nevermind.”
ROOM MATE 1 collapses onto their barstool and sighs. ROOM MATE 2 shrugs and continues eating their cereal. The original studio camera zooms out over the heads’ of the audience slowly.
ROOM MATE 2:
“This is soggy. Like chewing wet bread.”
FADE OUT
In studio audience cheering, laughing, and applause can be heard as the screen fades to black.